You can only do so much because your job is to help the classroom of students. You have to help the whole classroom. And this was something I learned the hard way as well.
~ Zeba from Episode 110 of The Kindergarten Cafe Podcast
Episode Summary
Some years in the classroom just feel harder than others. This one’s for the teachers who’ve cried in the car, vented to their partner, or counted down the minutes until dismissal. You’re not alone and there are ways to feel like yourself again.
In this deeply personal episode, I’m answering a heartfelt question from a kindergarten teacher who asked: “How do you keep showing up every day when one student’s behavior is draining your energy?”
This episode isn’t just about burnout – it’s about what it feels like to be a teacher who cares deeply, even when it’s hard… and what to do when you feel like you’re at your limit.
In this episode I share:
- The emotional weight of wanting to help a student who needs more support than you can give
- Why your brain feels stuck in survival mode and how to shift it
- The importance of setting boundaries while still showing up with love
- What to say to yourself when you feel like quitting
- How I “quit the day” (without quitting the job) and reset my energy
- How to reconnect with the joy of teaching when one student is taking up all your headspace
- Why focusing on relationships with all students can help you feel grounded again
Related Episodes:
- De-Escalation Strategies to Stay Calm and In Control During Emotional Outbursts with Sara Yessenow ~ Ep. 64
- How to Teach Emotional Intelligence in Kindergarten ~ Ep. 108
- Kindergarten Case Study: Supporting Students With Big Emotions ~ Ep. 109
Resources:
- Join the FREE 5-Day Social Emotional Learning Challenge
- Coaching
- Social Emotional Learning Year-Long Kindergarten Curriculum Bundle: 11 SEL Units
Connect with Zeba:
- Instagram – @kindergartencafe
- Facebook – @kindergartencafe
- Website – www.kindergartencafe.org
- Tik Tok – @kindergartencafe
Read the Transcript
[0:00] Hey, teacher friends, it’s Zeba from Kindergarten Cafe, and in today’s episode, I’m going to get a little vulnerable. I am addressing a question that I’ve gotten that I get a bunch from teachers, which is essentially how to handle teacher burnout when dealing with behaviors. I’ve gotten it phrased as, how do you keep showing up every day? How do you manage the behaviors, staying calm yourself and like not letting it get to you? and like what do you do when those behaviors become too much?
[0:30] So I get that question a lot and I’m going to address it today. The question specifically that I got was through an email from a kindergarten teacher and it said that they’d been talking with their team and they’ve noticed a reoccurring theme. One that I, this is quoting from her, one that I’ve personally experienced myself and that is managing feelings, energy, and burnout that happen because of students that are just plain old difficult for whatever reason. And not necessarily students that are on IEPs, that get behavior specialist level support, but the kids that drain your teacher cheerleader battery and affect your ability to enjoy the day. It is real. Are we the only ones? Is it too sensitive a topic? We’d love to know your thoughts and wonder if you’d consider doing a podcast on this one. So here I am doing a podcast. And first, let me say you’re not the only ones. Definitely not the only ones feeling this. Like I said, this is a topic that I get from teachers a lot, which is how do you keep showing up every day? How do you handle when behaviors get really tough?
[1:37] So building off of last week’s episode of the case study of some big emotions and also, building off of, you know, teaching emotional intelligence, I will dive into that. Before I dive into that, I want to remind you, I do have a free social emotional challenge that has five days of scenarios and resources for you to support you in handling these social emotional situations and teaching social emotional skills.
[1:59] So you can sign up for that kindergartencafe.org challenge. And it’s got a lot of resources there for you. so I recommend checking that out. Okay, let’s dive into handling teacher burnout.
[2:15] You’re listening to the Kindergarten Cafe podcast, where kindergarten teachers come to learn classroom-tested tips and tricks and teaching ideas they can use in their classroom right away. I’m Zeba, creator and founder of Kindergarten Cafe, and I help kindergarten teachers with everything they need from arrival to dismissal in order to save time, work smarter, not harder, and support students with engaging and purposeful lessons. I’m here to cheer you on through your successes and breakthroughs and offer support and resources so you never have to feel stuck or alone. Ready to start saving time and reducing your stress all while using effective and purposeful lessons that students love? Let’s get started.
[3:06] So, like I said, I’m going to get a little vulnerable here in this episode. We’ve all been there where we have kids that drain our teacher battery that are difficult and that weigh on us. And, you know, I’ve definitely cried in my car, cried at night about these students. I’ve definitely had years or months where I did not want to go to school. I dreaded going to school each day. and so if you are in one of those months or years i see you i feel you i’ve been there i saw something once that was like you teachers have two kinds of years a showing up year or like a growing year something something like that i don’t know exactly how it worded but the point is there are years where you just do your best just to show up like you are there you’re doing the best you can and And that’s all you’ve got. And I’ve had those years. Then you have the years where you can actually try new things. You have the brain space to be creative and you’re excited to come to school and, you know, are seeing the progress of the stuff you’re teaching. And it’s all like making you very happy. And like I said, you’re creative and trying things out. And that’s great.
[4:24] And I’ve had a few of those years. And then some years are just you’re doing your best just to show up. So I think it’s important to note that if you’re having one of those years, it’s okay. It’s normal. We all experience those. It’s not forever. And I also think this episode really is just kind of going off of my thoughts and feelings. And like we’re having a conversation, you and me, versus a little more structured like I usually do. So I hope that’s okay. But I think it’s important to remember, too, that when I say like we’re feeling burnt out from a difficult student or a student is draining our battery or that we’re crying because we had such a bad day with such and such a student.
[5:03] As a teacher, it’s never because we hate that student. It’s never because we dislike them or frustrated with them. If we’re drained, if we’re not wanting to go to work, if we’re crying, it’s because we want this child to get help. We go into this field because we want to help that child. We want to help all children. We want to be a helper, right? We want to help kids with what they need. And some kids need more help than we can give. And that’s really hard on us to accept and to realize because we want to be helping. We want to be helpers, right? And so for us to recognize first that this child needs more support than you can give, that’s humbling, right? But also, we can be crying and frustrated and not wanting to go to work and everything because you’ve realized this child needs more support than you can give, and they’re not getting it. You’re asking for help from your admin.
[6:03] If you have a counselor or a special ed teacher, like whoever it might be, but for whatever reason, there’s a process to go through. And that process is probably in place for, you know, in theory, a good reason of not wanting to just dump kids in special ed that don’t belong in there. But it means that especially in kindergarten, you are getting kids who have never had any of the things in place before getting on a special ed plan. And so it takes a while to prove that they, in fact, do need that support. And like I said, it comes from a place of not dumping all the kids that just causes problems in special ed. But if that’s the kind of support this child needs and they’re not getting it, that’s probably why. And like future teachers, I’m always like, you should like, please acknowledge. I don’t say it like that. But, you know, I’ll say like I did everything I could to get them on a plan. And they’re now on a plan because of all that work I put in for first grade and second grade. Now they’re on a plan. But it’s really hard on you, especially in kindergarten, because you’re the one dealing with them before they get on the plan, before they get the support and in place. And like I said, when we’re the most drained and upset and angry and frustrated and when I have pretty much every time I’m crying over student, it’s because they need more support than I can give and they’re not getting it.
[7:21] And that’s really frustrating. Sometimes I’m also feeling all those things and crying and things because I’ve maybe learned something that’s happening with this child outside of school.
[7:33] Maybe they aren’t getting enough food. Maybe there’s trauma or abuse. And so that can explain some of the behaviors you’re seeing in school. It doesn’t make it any easier to deal with them. It gives it some context. But it’s really hard to hear that information. and that really really drains on you but with that I have learned the hard way that if you don’t put up some kind of walls emotional walls you will burn out you can only control what happens in your classroom you can only control what happens in your four walls you cannot control what happens to the child outside of school and that can be incredibly frustrating but what the child needs you to do and like obviously you know you do your due diligence of like being a mandated reporter and talking to your admin or you know the school talking to a social worker whoever it is like but you can do your part in that sense but you can only do so much and so the best way to avoid burnout is recognizing that you can only do so much you can only do you can only control what happens in your classroom and what that child needs the child who’s struggling outside of school is they need you to be consistent. They need you to be there for them. They need you to support them and love them even when they’re having their hard days.
[8:55] You’re their safe space, right? So if that means they’re freaking out, like you stay their safe space, right? You’re not going to have the same kind of reaction as maybe their family would when they’re having that big emotion. You’re the safe space, okay? Not to mean like I’m a savior for them, because again, you can only control so much. You can control your reaction. You can control how you maintain routine how you support them with maybe handling transitions or if there’s a trigger that you know is going to be coming that’s going to be difficult for them like you can handle that stuff but there are kids that will need more support than you can give and recognizing that recognizing you can only do so much you can only do something within those four walls.
[9:43] Does take a weight off you know it’s really hard because again we go into the profession to be helpers but if you’re constantly thinking about a child outside of school if you’re constantly worried about them and thinking about them you will burn out and again if it’s about especially about like things that you have no control over like what happens at home it’s not healthy you really need to have a little bit of a wallop in that sense of i can go in in the morning and i can help them to have a good day and then they’re going to go home and i can’t do anything else about that. But not all the students that drain our batteries are students like that. Sometimes they, like I said, might need more support, like special ed support, and you’re just not getting it. And so you’re the one putting in the effort to support them. And in this case, I would say you do kind of have a need to have a wall up a little bit and a recognition of you can only do so much because your job is to help the classroom of students. You have to help the whole classroom. And this was something I learned the hard way as well of like, I wanted to give everything I could to this one student who needed my help. And I was told by admin, you have a classroom full of students to worry about too. Like this is early on in my career, but it was a hard lesson to learn. And it was eye-opening of like, yeah, I can’t always help the student.
[10:57] I can’t always pull them for the small group. I have to see other kids too, right? That you have a whole classroom students to worry about. So you have to have a little bit of walls up. I think recognizing that the reason you’re being drained and that you’re so frustrated is because you can’t do as much for the student as you want, and that’s really hard to acknowledge. But saying it out loud helps. Focusing on what you can control is important. So what’s really important for kids like this at Drainer Batteries is starting each day.
[11:28] A smile and saying I’m happy to see you whether you mean it or not it’s and it’s really important that the kid knows you are are excited to see them they’re welcome there that each day is a fresh start right and each day is a fresh start and if you are doing some of the things I talked about in the last couple of episodes setting the foundation of teaching social emotional skills and self-regulation skills over time you will see progress in the moment it’s hard because you’re just stuck on like what the kid can’t do and what they’re not doing and what they’re still struggling with. You’re focused so much on the negative. It also really helps to try start the day fresh. Like I said, I’m so happy to see you today and to try and focus you on noticing the little things that are progress, right? So noticing the things that they are doing well and praising them on it. That will help them because it’s a really good strategy for behavior management, and, you know, reinforcing the social skills and things that you want to see. But it will also help you with your mindset. And it’s not automatic. I need to remind myself of this all the time. Focus on what they are doing right.
[12:36] Try to focus on the little things, right? Give yourself a challenge of, like, try to give two compliments every lesson. Something like that. But that will really help your mindset of, like, starting to notice the small progress that the child is making with you over time and focusing more on the positive so that way you aren’t bogged down and they need so much more support than I can give. So those are all my like actual strategies and tips for like handling teacher burnout. And in reality, those things are all in the back of my head. Those things are all in my rational brain when I’m having a tough year. In reality, I have days where I quit. And I don’t mean I literally quit my job because I don’t, I’ve never quit my job, but I quit the day. Like, the day is just so bad that I just, I quit the day. So now I finish out the day. I don’t actually… I don’t actually leave early and just sneak out. No, I finished the day. But then I call my husband or text him or whatever. And I say, it was a really rough day today. And I quit the day. I quit today. Like I quit today being a thing. I don’t know how else to describe it, except it’s not actually quitting. I just call it that. It makes me feel better. I say I quit. I quit today.
[13:48] And so that’s like red flag to my husband. I’m like, I’m not going to treat this like a normal afternoon. I need time for me. And sometimes that’s a walk with a podcast, a good podcast, a distracting podcast. But most often it’s me going home, going under the covers and watching a good show and not being interrupted. Now, I don’t have kids, so I don’t know. Not yet anyway. So I don’t know what I’m going to do for quitting when I have kids. I’m going to have to wait a little bit or maybe my husband will step up. I don’t know. But my point is, this is what I do right now, I say I quit, I go onto the covers, I go in the dark, I like being in the dark, and I watch a really good show. And usually that hour, half an hour, whatever it is, is enough to reset meal a little bit so that way I can have dinner with my husband. We have a nice night together. We talk about anything other than work or sometimes it does help to talk about it with him and just get it off my chest or talk about it with another teacher. But the idea is doing something that makes you happy. It’s distracting.
[14:54] Something that you enjoy. Having a good night so that you can go to sleep and start fresh in the morning. And remember that each day is a fresh start. And that is one of the reasons why I love teaching. Every day is different. Every day is unique. Every day is a chance for something new and great to happen. And each day, little by little by little, but sometimes very little, progress is happening. So over time, you will see progress. Another thing that can help in the moment, beyond the rational thinking and changing your mindset kind of thing, when you are dealing with a kid that is really draining your battery, walk away. You don’t have to engage. And most people are being unsafe. That’s different. But you can walk away. You can talk to the other kids. You have a whole classroom of other kids. You can start working with them. You know, you can, if you have an aid in your room, it’s a really good system to kind of like switch places and be like, tap out. Be like, okay, I need a break from this kid. Your turn. You take them for a walk, right? Maybe you have another teacher that you can send them to with a project or with a note. Maybe you have like a deal with them where it’s like, I just need a minute away from them and they can do something with them. And then they might have a student that they want to do that and they might send to your room. So that’s a good strategy too.
[16:10] Definitely talk to your admin about these students because there might be other support in the building that they can bring to help you. So like I had a student that, again, we had to go through the levels of showing that they required more special ed support, But in the meantime, there was, you know, someone who had a couple extra hours open in the week and they’d spread it out. So whenever, you know, they’d come see my student or take them for a walk every day at this certain time, that was so helpful. So helpful.
[16:40] Right. So there might be things that that admin can do. So definitely talk to them about how you’re feeling or maybe something that another teacher can do. Maybe you have an assistant in your room you can tap out and switch with. but also finding times in the day when you’re not getting frustrated by a student where it’s like snack time like you’re not doing work trying to push work on them it’s snack time or play time try to connect with them try to build a relationship with them beyond being frustrated try to see what it is they enjoy what they like doing this will only help when things when big behaviors happen if they are like taking an earned break or something try to at times go with them and actually just chat with them about life and get to know them, things they like or what they’re doing for their reward. Like, I can’t tell you the number of times I played basketball with the student when they earned a break, right?
[17:28] And yes, I had a classroom full of students and my assistant and I traded off doing this. And it was important because I needed to really work on my relationship with the student because they needed me, they needed to have a good relationship with me for when behaviors happened, right? And just as importantly I needed to have a good relationship with them I needed to see all the good things in them and not just the negatives right so finding time to talk with them about things that aren’t frustrating that aren’t the behaviors or the work or whatever that are just fun things that they enjoy and at the same time if they’re really draining your battery going to talk to other kids about things that they enjoy and that make you happy and just sitting for a minute.
[18:11] And like, enjoying that kindergarten magic. Just sit with them and talk with them and laugh with them. And remember, that’s why you’re here. You’re here for all the students. And you’re here because you love their little world that they make and the progress that they make, right? You love seeing the things that make them laugh. And the progress they make and what you’re teaching them. And so sometimes we get so focused on that one student that needs so much help, but take a minute to sit with the other kids because one, they need it too. And like I said, you’re there for everyone, but also it’s going to help you.
[18:49] It’s going to refill your battery a little bit, right? So like I said, I was getting a little vulnerable, not totally following like a normal outline, just sort of talking to you like I would talk to my friend who was having a hard time. If you are having a hard time with a student in your class, sign up for a coaching session with me and we can walk through identifying the problems, analyzing what you’ve observed, strategies that you can try. We can revisit those strategies and we can come up with new ones like we I am here to help you with whatever you can do in the classroom within your four walls. like I’m here to help you with that part of the puzzle. Okay. And if you just want to vent to someone about it, about the issue, I’m here, but I’m also going to want to help you. I’m going to want to give you suggestions on things you can try, right? If you are having a show up year, if you are having a hard time, I’m here for you. You’re not alone. I’ve been there too. Take each day as a new day. And then if it’s a really bad day, go home and quit. Quit the day and let me know how that helps. Let me know what you thought of this episode too. And like I said, this one came directly from listeners. So if you have other topics that you want, please reach out and let me know.
[20:08] Thanks so much for listening to the Kindergarten Cafe Podcast. Be sure to check out the show notes for more information and resources or just head straight to kindergartencafe.org for all the goodies. If you liked this episode, the best ways to show your support are to subscribe, leave a review, or send it to a friend. I’ll be back next week with even more kindergarten tips. See you then.